Larry Crowne once caught a fish "thiiiiiissss biiiiiig"!  This week Noah merMAKEs Dave watch Splash!...and we aren't talking about the reality TV game show on FOX.  We're talkin' Tom Hanks, John Candy, Eugene Levy, and a Mermaid Darryl Hannah that, from the look of her "bocci balls (!)", isn't so little!

This is one dilly of a sea pickle.  Throughout his life, Tom Hanks has never learned how to swim and he keeps falling overboard and getting rescued by a mysterious naked Darryl Hannnah who lives off the shore of Cape Cod.  After one of his more recent near drownings, he loses his wallet and she claims it, using it as her guide to find his apartment in New York City. Turns out she's a mythical Mermaid on Mermaid Rumspringa and she has only six days to decide whether to return to her life of Cape Cod underwater lifeguarding or become a bonafide bloomingdale's bedecked landlubber. Explaining all this to Hanks, whilst simultaneously knocking booty with him is complicated, to say the least.  However, Eugene Levy is on her trail (or should we say tail) to expose her true identity.  Grab some tartar sauce and go easy on the garlic bread, cuz like Red Lobster, we're gonna sea food better! 

Dave warns the world of sea urchin idenity theft and triathlon treachery. Noah reminisces of his former days of being a happy little tadpole.

Direct download: splashedit_2.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 12:44pm CST
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Dullness hath no fury like a Weather Girl scorned! Dave and Noah take cover from 2009's Weather Girl, starring Tricia O'Kelley and Patrick J. Adams. After having a meltdown on air that goes viral, Seattle's former morning news weather girl has to move in with her brother to "weather the storm" of a bad breakup. She falls for her brother's best friend, who lives in the apartment next door. However, he is six years her Thirty-five year old junior.  A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where will they build their nest? Since its Seattle, it probably doesn't matter, since its always partly cloudy with a million percent chance of rain. 

Dave and Noah explore fifty ways to leave your employer.  And bodies are invaded, and perhaps, perhappenstance snatched in a Dark and Stormy manner.  Somebody call Stormin' Norman! 

Direct download: wetgrledit.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 11:05pm CST
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Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream...and WE have MCDREAMY!

Join Dave and Noah as they tuck into a deep dish of Dempsey with a side order of Patrick.  That's a tall order for a short fry, but that fry is MADE OF HONOR from 2008, starring our main man Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan. Dempsey, a wealthy man of leisure, is the toast of the town tom cats. Michelle Monaghan is the one woman he hasn't slept with, ergo, she is his most intimate confidant. When she leaves for a temporary work trip abroad he realizes that she is the love of his life. Upon her return, he is about to propose her when she reveals that she is marrying Scotish royalty and would like him to be her Maid of Honor. This McDream has turned into a McScream. 

Dave and Noah share how they would live if they were Dempsey for a day and we finally uncover the truth about what lies beneath a certain Loch in Scotland.

Direct download: MOHedit.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 6:25pm CST
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Time moves in one direction and this movie moves in another! This week Dave and Noah synchronize their Casio wristwatches to TiMER (2009) starring Emma Caulfield, John Patrick Amedori and Michelle Borth. It is the year 3,000ish and every twenty-something has the option of having a TiMER installed in their wrist.  A TiMER is like a more portable, more sentient version of the online dating site OK CUPID. This device simply gives a countdown to the day you will meet your one true soul mate.  Some people (the super slutty ones) have countdowns that span decades, while some (the super-duper slutty ones) have a countdown that is a matter of hours. Emma Caulfield's TiMER is blank and it will remain blank until her soulmate gets with jiggy with the Joneses and has one installed. In the meantime she dates a grocery cashier who has a timer that will go off in three months, but his free spirit teaches her that true love has no ETA...which strangely enough is ATE backwards.  Now I'm hungry. It's tater-tot time! I'd better set the timer on the stove... 

Dave has a misadventure at Big Top Liquor while Noah wishes he was watching Big Top Pee-wee, the sequel to Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. 

Direct download: TiMEReditfin.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 12:28am CST
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Now BOREding for takeoff, it's OVERNIGHT (2012) starring Rachel Blanchard and James D'Arcy.  This is one redeye that will make you wish you had pinkeye!  Rachel is departing from Splitsville, CA, when a chance encounter with a banjo playing Physics professor causes her overnight flight to become an overnight delight!  Their relationship TAKES OFF at the speed of sound, but before their hearts can reach great new heights, they have a helluva lot of baggage to check.  But this is nothing that a little papa smurf fetishising can't fix...or is it?  When the rubber meets the tarmac, our James D'Arcy physics professor, who specializes in string theory, is going to wish he specialized in rope theory, because she's slipping away!

Dave tells a harrowing tale of going to San Diego while leaving his Manatee in Phoenix. Noah beholds a Zach Galifianakis in Arab-face. 

Direct download: overnightfinal.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 1:06pm CST
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 Call off the jesters, for this week fatty gives you the royal treatment with 2004's The Prince & Me. This crown jewel may be shiny, but beware, beneath yonder garb there be ginger-haired inbreeding! Starring Julia Stiles and Luke Mably, this franchise, (part one of four) begins upon a time when a series called "Girls Gone Wild" existed. Heavy weighs the impending crown of Prince Mably, who finds the royal Danish floozies dreadfully triflesome and boring.  Whilst channel surfing one afternoon, Prince Luke Mably spies an ad for "Girls gone Wild" being brodcasted from a land called Madison, Wisconsin. He cuts off his royal ties and travels to the land of Milk and Packers whereupon he becomes enchanted under Julia Stiles' anal retentive spell. She's a pre-med farmgirl who has an unfortunate mental deficiency in knowing how to doff her top, even when ordered by a Danish Prince in disguise! Be that as it may, even though she's a little bit country and he's a little bit rock'n'roll, they find it in their hearts to love each other so! But HARK! The King of Denmark has fallen ill and the Danish Paparazzi are hot on this couple's heels!  Will his pauper's charade become a plague on both their houses? Alas! Anon! Arrivederci!

Dave does a hundred pushups and Noah talks about how he once made flesh payment to the Dark Lord of Deli Meat & Frozen Yogurt.

Direct download: PnMEfinal.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 8:39pm CST
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It's Dave and Noah's very first GUESSISODE.  The first part of this episode is recorded with our predictions of the plot, then we watch the chick flick and spend the rest of the episode on suicide watch, you dig? This week we prognosticate License To Wed starring John Krasinsky, Mandy Moore and the MORKster himself: Robin Williams! Mandy wants a traditional Cat-Lick weddin' but their priest is anything but traditional.  Or even kitten-lickin' good at his Jason Priestly duties.

He is going to put them through the ringer and I'm not just talking anal. They even have to raise a pair of robot babies.  It's totally Blade Runner, if Ridley Scott had played too much pro-football in his youth. The rest of this movie is so bland that even an appearance from Wanda Sykes only briefly turns it from bland to caramel, and then back to bland. But we all learn a few things about ourselves, especially when it comes to finding a good place in your apartment to hide all of your sharp objects. Better head down to the Department of Marital Values, cuz it's time to renew your License to Wed!

Noah tries to shake his memeory of Robin William's darker work in One Hour Photo and Insomnia while Dave looks into leasing a very cherry 2007 Mandy Moore. 

Direct download: lic2wedfin.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 9:28pm CST
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Valentine’s Day is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one will cream all over your face. Fatty rings The Girl Next Door starring Emile Hirsch, Elisha Cuthbert Timothy Olyphant and Paul Dano. Hirsch is a straight-A senior gunning for a scholarship to Georgetown. His straight A’s take a turn to straight “V’s” when a new girl moves in next door to him and goes to town on his george. Metaphorically, of course, these are high schoolers for Pete’s sake! After they’ve been dating a spell, Hirsch finds out that her former line of work involved hoochie-coochie-peeping-Tom-foolery with the cameras and the fluffers and disco lights and whatnot.  Plus, she has a skeezy producer who wants to pull her back into that risque buisness.  What’s a goody straight-laced-two-shoes with everything on the line to do?  The answer lies in the purest meaning of the phrase “if you can’t beat ‘em, join em!” and boy does he!  

Dave has a brand new pair of rollerskates and George Saunders has a brand new key. Noah spins a yarn that involves him being a Maid in Mr. Movies.  MAID!  ...MAID!

Direct download: GNDedit.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 8:29pm CST
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This sequel is a drag. Literally.  Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous stars Sandra Bullock, Regina King, William Shatner, Ernie Hudson and a whole bunch of drag queens.  Picking up a mere two weeks after the tumultuous events that took place at the close of Miss Congeniality, Sandra Bullock finds that returning to work at the FBI is turning out to effin' be AY-yi-YI!  Her reputation and celebrity preceeds her, causing her cover to be blown which gets her partner shot. (Bullock is a fantastic moving target). After her boyfriend dumps her, Bullock's boss, (Winston from Ghostbusters), shacks her up with a gay make-up bag whisperer and she becomes the new face of the FBI.  Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation shows up and kidnaps William Shatner and the Queen of Miss United States, holding them for ransom.  Bullock wants back in on the investigation side of the Federal Bureau, but she has public relations, and, more tragically, a sassy black body guard to contend with before she can save her pageant pals from the evil Ron Swanson. This movie is a lazy susan of intrigue, wacky disguises and the ghastly cashing in of cred. If you want your living room to feel more like the waiting area of an intensive care unit, then put this movie on!

Dave reckons this movie is worse than Smiley Face, an Anna Farris picture that we reviewed back in November of 2011. It used to be our worst pick ever, but now Dave is willing to let it go with love.  Noah wears his crying bra.   

Direct download: mcon2final.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 8:05pm CST
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Drawing a blank? Well she DREW BARELY MORE than one when trying to remember her last true kiss. 
Never Been Kissed starring Drew Barrymore, David Arquette and that sexy dude from Alias.

Drew Barrymore is an uptight copy editor with a checkered high school past who yearns to be a reporter.  One day she gets an opportunity to go undercover as a highschool student to write her first article about
how kids these days REALLY live.  Determined to rewrite her past, Drew never expected she'd be copyediting her future, a future with a dashing, yet soulful kindred spirit, who happens to be HER ENGLISH TEACHER!  Don't stand so close to this one, fatties, cuz she's never been kissed and his kiss is on her LIST!

Dave yearns for those glory days when he was a jock who could bully nerds on their own level: through chess.  Noah perfects his sunny surfer girl drawl. Almost.

Direct download: NeverBKedit.m4a
Category:Film and TV -- posted at: 6:53pm CST
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